I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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