oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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