the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
