if i can run in heels then i can drive
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
be right there i have to get my cape
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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