Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
