so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
