The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
