Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
