its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
