I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
