Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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