My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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