Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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