You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
