if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
