He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
