i think i have herpe
just one?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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