The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
