was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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