Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
