So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
