soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
