i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
