I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
