So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
