I can text with my tongue
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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