I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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