this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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