Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
