so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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