I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
