Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
