I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
