I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
