so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
