Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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