Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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