hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
