I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
