just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
