I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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