im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
even my farts smell like vagina
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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