Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
