I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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