im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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