i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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