The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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