Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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