Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
