she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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